When my oncologist delivered the verdict that my cancer was incurable though hopefully treatable, my immediate response wasn’t fear or anxiety – it was the most intense loneliness.

I felt, with his words, though gently delivered, that I had somehow been cast out from ordinary life. As I left his office, I was greeted by mid-summer sunshine which would normally lift my mood. That day the cheerful weather mocked my despair. My alienation from people and my environment seemed complete.

I suspect loneliness is quite common among those living with cancer. Our dubious status means we’re often spoken of in hushed and reverent terms or elevated as ‘brave’.

When we get a cancer diagnosis, people we have known for years don’t quite know where they stand with us, or what to say. Some stay away, avoid us even, not, I suspect out of unkindness, but rather, awkwardness or even fear. The effects of being somehow ‘shunned’ only reinforces our isolation.

Risks 

Addressing loneliness has been critical to maintaining my mental health while living with cancer. We know that loneliness is comparable to the risks associated with smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day and is even worse for us than obesity and physical inactivity. It can also increase risks of dementia, stroke, depression and anxiety.

I recognise now that those early feelings of loneliness started when I became alienated from myself, not sure quite who this ‘woman with cancer’ really was. Being cut off from the work I loved and from the ordinary interactions of life to withstand intense and often exhausting treatment imposed an unwelcome ‘self’ upon me who was vulnerable and distressed. Loneliness is, I think, when we no longer feel seen in ways that help us to connect with ourselves and each other.

That is why community has been so critical to restoring in me a sense of who I am despite of not because of a cancer diagnosis. And that’s why, joining the Codsall and Bilbrook Cancer Support Group has been so helpful in connecting with the many different parts of me.

Humour 

At the group’s monthly meetings, I don’t have to apologise for making people feel uncomfortable about my health condition. I can cut the crap, say it how it is and be greeted with knowing nods from people who ‘get it’. And it may be strange to say that a group devoted to cancer support is full of life, generosity and very good humour (oh yes, having a laugh is still allowed).

At the same time, we can acknowledge the different ways we struggle with all aspects of the cancer journey: our diagnosis, our treatment, the challenges of caring for someone with cancer and the mixed blessings of recovering from cancer.  We will find judgement-free acceptance. And excellent tea and biscuits.

To all my new pals: thank you for allowing me to be me.

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek