Every fortnight, I share my deepest and most painful thoughts and feelings with a woman I have never met in person.

We connect with each other for 50 minutes via Zoom and together, since I was first diagnosed with a recurrent cancer last June, we have explored the impact of this life-changing event. I can tell her everything, without fear of judgement. And I can be all I am feeling with her – frightened, angry, grumpy, bored, resentful. Her firm and gentle presence contains all the messy and contradictory parts of me.

In my moments of unbearable pain, she stays steadfastly alongside me until I can bear it – and when I can, something shifts within me.

Alison is my counsellor and in the few months we have worked together (and this really is very hard work for both of us) I have progressed from a state of paralysed shock at having an incurable cancer diagnosis to now living with greater awareness and joy than I have ever known.

Relationship

She and I know that unexpressed feelings will find a way of making their presence felt, most often in forms of overwhelm, anxiety or distress. This unconditionally loving relationship helps me to find the words that in turn unblock my inner tension so I can move, even change.

I think I know what Maya Angelou means when she says, ‘there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you’. Living with cancer is my story and Alison’s counselling provides the space and the grace for me to tell it.  In doing so, I won’t change the reality of my situation, but I will learn to face this unavoidable threat with compassion, understanding and courage.

*To find out if counselling is right for you, I have produced a brief guide.

During Mental Health Awareness Week I have been reflecting on how I might take care of my mental health while living with cancer. I would be happy to share experiences and ideas with others. Email me at [email protected]